Monday, December 29, 2014

Seriously?

We got rid of our cable TV a long time ago. It's not bad - apparently lots of people are doing it now. I mean why pay for cable TV when you can watch it all on Hulu, Netflix, or Vudu for less? My point...here it comes. So with Hulu you have access to TV shows from their very first pilot show. The first few days I found myself eagerly clicking on the Hulu app to see what TV shows I could watch... WKRP, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and then Grey's Anatomy.

I was a huge Grey's Anatomy fan, an even bigger McDreamy fan. Then, if I'm being honest, life as a mother of newborn twin boys got the best of me. I stopped watching a lot of TV including the one with McDreamy. So fast forward to heart failure 2010, Kevin gets implanted with the LVAD and I'm sitting in the waiting room overhearing another family discussing Izzy cutting someone's LVAD wire.... then hearing Grey's Anatomy... best episode ever. Then I thought "note to self: don't google LVAD + Izzy and to never watch Grey's Anatomy again."

Well, here I am telling you that I watched it. All of them. I've been through my fair share of tissue boxes but in my defense George O'Malley dies. Well, that's not the only reason for my tears. And if you're wondering why I would torture myself with Grey's Anatomy? I've no idea but curiosity definitely got the best of me and after a few episodes it started feeling better. Almost like a right of passage. Does that make sense?

Let's be honest, how many of you reading this are willing to talk with me about what I've truly endured as a caregiver, as a wife, as a mother? How many of you are willing to just sit and listen to everything I wasn't allowed to deal with in the moment? Sure maybe there are a few friends but I know for certain that no one in our families want to relive those moments. I've tried but it gets difficult and they've all moved on and I'm sure they're thinking "why can't she move on?" So many things happened and while everyone around me was allowed to cry about it I felt I had to be the strong one and push through. Don't get me wrong I had my moments but there were times where I felt I couldn't .... I just had to plow through it all. So when I found myself eagerly sifting through all the TV shows on Hulu, I thought what the hell... why not watch it from beginning to end?

Kevin absolutely thought I was crazy for wanting to watch it but when I would come across something on an episode that actually happened to him??? Well, let's just say it became very interesting for both of us and the conversations that followed made things so much easier for me. I became fascinated with it all. I would text my friend Gina about it (she's a serious GA fan) and sometimes her replies would hint to me about what was up ahead and I'd be cautious. I'll admit the Denny Duquette episodes were not fun. I think my heart actually stopped when Izzy really did cut his LVAD wire. Then I wanted to reach through the TV and stop her. Watching episodes of wives sitting alone in the waiting room. The episodes where transplants didn't go as planned. Compartment syndrome episodes were not my favorite. I know it's only a TV show but most of it is based on real life experiences. And unfortunately I can relate with it as we lived through a very long medical roller coaster of emotions.

People have sometimes hinted towards my direction that I shouldn't live in the past. That in doing so, I'll never be able to move forward. Sure while this might apply to some folks, it doesn't apply to me. My opinion. My blog. Watching the show brought back moments that I never had the opportunity to face. Moments that haunted me in the form of nightmares. Moments I had closed the door on but apparently they needed opening. By watching the show it gave me an outlet to be at peace with the past. Sure there are other things I still need to find peace with but that will hopefully come in due time. Moving forward one step at a time is really all that anyone can do and if you do it with a smile on your face... if you look for that silver lining in it all... well then you'll be where me and my little family of four are at.... happiness.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, thank you for my husband's new heart.


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