Wednesday, February 22, 2012

If it's too loud, you're too old.

Music plays a leading role in my life. 

Music can help anyone through the best of times as well as the worst. It can lift you up when you're down and in some cases bring you even further down than expected. It catches you off guard and the emotions let loose, tears falling. It can help recall memories and moments that were truly unforgettable. How it makes you feel when the windows are rolled down, blaring, wind rushing through the car, and the bass thumps through your chest. When shared with another it can make the world around you seem as if it's nonexistent.

Aretha. Frank. Dean. Lenny. Scott. Michael. Elvis. Tina. John....the list of my favorites goes on and on. I absolutely have an eclectic taste in music. Before Kevin and I started dating he described me as a "house music club going" chic to most. How surprised was he when I was carrying on a conversation about Miles Davis and John Coltrane that one afternoon? Intrigued he was indeed. I thank music for bringing us together. His sister will tell you it was because of her birthday. One of our first dates was to a piano bar in Red Bank... then to listen to a jazz band play at the Downtown, which became our favorite place. I learned to appreciate music even more because of Kevin. The world of composers opened up to me. John Powell became a quick favorite of mine. How one piece of music in a movie can play on the watchers emotions. Classical music. Music performed by a LIVE LIVE players... what a rush. 

The connection music has over me personally... it's overwhelming and makes me so grateful for one of the more simple things in life. The ability to hear. To be able to hear a song and it trigger a memory....I am thoroughly grateful to music, living with an LVAD and even more so living post transplant... it's so freeing. 

"Bring a nickel, tap your feet." Know the song? Whenever I hear it, I'm suddenly brought back to a time when I can see Kevin and his Uncle Robby playing it on acoustic guitar.

Music is driving over the GWB into Manhattan, listening to Frank Sinatra singing "New York, New York" telling me if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.

It's hearing your favorite song on the radio and driving past your driveway JUST to hear the song in its entirety.

It's 18 months of bedtime nursing and singing "Glory Days" and "Leaving on a Jet Plane" to our little treasures someone once told me would never be. I'll never forget the first time they heard the actual songs....a huge smile across their faces. A connection to a song for life.

Dead Can Dance.

It's our boys listening to John Williams score from the Star Wars trilogy (that's episodes 4,5 & 6) and being able to name the scene in which the music was played. It's neat to watch them play this game with Kevin.... he's so proud when they get it right, every time.

It's the orchestral version of "Unforgettable" ..... it's our song you know. Every time that piece of music played or plays it automatically makes me feel as if we are the only two people in the room. It's quite powerful for us. 

Music gave my husband, a composer & musician, the independence and freedom he needed in his LVAD world filled with dependence and reliance.

And finally so I can get my own personal closure.....because similar to core & cardio training, blogging is my therapy. I must revisit a time with hopes it will stop haunting me. Music was my mental connection to Kevin for those 11 days that I sat in a room filled with beeps, cords, IV bags, PICC lines, medical chatter...the unknown in front of us...having only been able to barely hold his hand through surgical gloves. It was all I had to connect with him.  Metallica, System of a Down, Five Finger Death Punch, Serj Terkian, Dead Can Dance. Listening to this music, sharing a moment, whether he was on life support or was still a shared moment. His awareness monitor always spiked whenever I played music to him (which was always a good sign). Fast forward about 11 months, driving home on the freeway from a routine biopsy post transplant, Kevin plays Five Finger Death Punch. I'm pretty certain I asked him to turn it off, goosebumps on my arms and a shiver through my spine while driving. Water in my eyes, yes. He didn't turn it off.... the song was War is the Answer. I remember the first time I heard FFDP...we were driving to a one night getaway in Long Beach in September 2010. Instantly fell in love with them. Two weeks later to be playing FFDP to Kevin while on life support... all the things that were happening that he was unaware of... all of the ugly stuff that only a handful of people know about...the constant question from our kids asking if Daddy's heart was better yet.... it was again like a cold shiver running through my body hearing that song, hearing FFDP period. But after a minute or two the shiver went away, Kevin put his hand on my shoulder and now blogging about it puts all the ugly behind us....... and there you have it. 


  1. I remember being in the room with you when you played FFDP for him and asked you who it was because I had NO CLUE! And you are absolutely right about music bringing you to a certain high or a real low.
    LOVE YOU!!

  2. I totally remember that was that before or after the doctor asked us about steampunk?